The enemy within

A battle wages within you every day. It happens as soon as you open your eyes. Some of us are aware of it, some are not. It is a battle between light and shadow, a war between living the creative life you dream about or being hypnotized by the distractions that have been with you since birth, distractions you encounter in the daily grid of your life.

We all have a voice within that knows what our gifts are, and dreams of becoming the expression of those gifts. It is what we are here to do; it is why we walk the earth.

The shadow side of our lives is an expression of darkness and strives to convince us that we are incapable, too old, too young, too fat, too thin, too anything that will steal the light of our creative selves and imprison us for one more day. We must become aware of the power of darkness as it urges us to resistance, and finally to illness, alcohol, prescription drugs, over-eating, sex or anything that will take the pain of an unfulfilled life away, putting us numbly back to sleep.

You can wake yourself up from this dream. Understanding your enemy is the first important step. Are you ruled by fear? Good! That means your dreams are important and the work is big. The more afraid you are, the greater your potential. Celebrate your fear for all it represents but don’t let it bury you. The radiance from your soul is real. It is the reason you walk on this planet. It is your duty to fight for your dreams.

Do you want to play the violin, start a company, exercise, diet, paint a picture, write a book?  Then go to war. Overthrow the tyranny of inertia and distraction before it disfigures your life. Make a time to do what you love  and let nothing deter you. Stand in the process and stay with it until the magic shows up - and it will - then love yourself enough to keep coming back day after day, and year after year. 

You can change your destiny in a moment by recognizing the power of darkness, and the seriousness of its influence. How do you recognize it? It can not be seen or heard, but can be felt. You are in its grasp when you feel negative, hate your life, or generally function in low grade misery.  Be ruthless, escape from its prison and keep going. Take charge of your life and your dreams. Insist!

What is your small still voice saying to you? This is your wisdom self. Listen, then sit down and do your work, not tomorrow, begin today.

Change

I feel change in the air, moving like dappled light through darkness, arriving at an unknown destination.

Summer is here at last, the sun we’ve waited for, strawberries, cherries and a scorched nose.

I reach forward into the future eager and impatient.

I pull back wanting security, structure and the voice of old friends.

The air is charged and alive with excitement.

It is stagnant and filled with too much me. I get lost in the space.

There are promises whispered, felt, unseen and unheard.

They are there opening in the mystery.

The sky turns from purple to black.

I rest, and in the morning, do it all again.

I am an egg, cracked, and waiting.

Any day now, the shell will fall away and I will reach out, walking completely and utterly into the dream.

Bloodline Ceremony

I’ve been taken down to the bone. I spent the day with a Lakota Medicine woman who spent hours walking in other realms to rid me of darkness and the karma stored in my family bloodline. Hers is powerful medicine, which has left me open, raw and renewed.

I have always been the one to heal others, while longing to find someone who could do the same for me. Many people claim to have spirit medicine, but few are authentic and free of ego. This gift has been a long time coming. 

Part of me still journeys in that other realm, while the physical side sits in silence in my quiet retreat of a house. Stepping into the world again was especially hard, like having a split-screen open on the computer. Lucky for me, a friend was there to drive me home or I may have ended up in Idaho. 

Loved ones ask about the experience but there are no words. The details and mechanics defy description, because they are sacred and not of this time and place. I can only say that the work went deep and until I integrate I am left feeling like a visitor in my own life, and a little uncomfortable in my skin. 

June has been a month of pulling back. My worldly self is resting and what little writing I do comes in drips instead of the stream I am accustomed to. I welcome the day when words move through me like a river. I see them waiting and hold out my arms, knowing they will land again when the time is right.

Days at the ocean preceded my ceremony. I spent hours outside, slept in the sun, walked barefoot in the sand and was nurtured by the loving presence of a friend. I found bones, the exact size and shape I was seeking, and feathers, lots of feathers. My essence feels more bird than human, so these things comfort me. 

I am always surprised when people choose not to work on themselves, and to live in their fears and patterns of limitation. That is a choice I could never imagine making, because releasing darkness and making room for more light is such an exquisite thing. It is painful, as any birth is painful, but the other side is worth every second, because everything around you reorganizes to create a flow of ease and love that makes life so much more inviting and welcome. Today I sit with my labor pains and raw open feelings, but soon I’ll soar again with even greater freedom than before. I am humbled in gratitude.

Flight Pattern

He walked in my door in that way people do when their life is falling apart. He married the wrong woman so they battled and tore at each other, until they turned into people they didn’t want to be. He is a fine man, she is a fine woman, but they are not fine together. 

The pretending is over now, the pain is too great. Their foundation can no longer support their lives. They are at the place of no return, because they know too much truth and can’t put the broken pieces together again. He came today with eyes full of sorrow and courage, with words full of failure and fear. 

But this breaking open, this new place is the healthiest he has been. Of course it doesn’t feel that way to him. He no longer sleeps. His mind races towards an unknown future; he can’t eat and is drinking too much wine. 

He is stepping into the void now, that crack in the universe that teaches us so much.

This is the shamanic initiation, the ultimate letting go, the final test of faith in the face of darkness. But I know this man; I know the fabric of his character and the integrity of his soul. He has to let go. He has to let himself fall so he can find his wings. 

He approaches the cliff now, knowing that it means death, the death of an old self, an outmoded consciousness and a way of life. He walks toward this change because he must. The wise man in him is saving his life, while the personality grabs and claws and rails against his fate. 

Any day now he will jump – and he will fly - and he will find himself, as he floats slowly and helplessly toward the new ground that will heal and free him to start again. I will have the pleasure of being his witness.

Nancy’s Story

Nancy had lots of psychiatric labels when she came to see me; bi-polar and borderline personality to name a few. She was thirty years old, severely overweight and had an attachment disorder that compelled her to phone her father several times every hour. Nancy came for healing at her father’s request.

When she sat down the generator outside the window burst into life, roaring with deafening noise. The button on the tape player refused to stay in the record position, the microwave engaged, the dog began barking and a neighbor knocked on the door. It is not unusual for children with psychic abilities to cause such disruption, but this was a different energy. When I closed my eyes to read for her, I saw the spirit of a large unbalanced man who was sharing her body.

Nancy had been so labeled, treated, medicated and repressed by the medical system that she’d lost all sense of health. We excavated her healthy-self and brought it full blown into consciousness, so she had a frame of reference to begin our work. I spoke about the spirit possession, and asked if she was aware of it.

I have always felt there was an uncontrollably violent part of me, she said, that is living my life. I do things that frighten other people. When it’s happening, it feels like I get pushed aside, as if someone else is doing it. Then I wake up, look around and wonder what happened.

Nancy went away with a new understanding and spiritual perspective which gave her strength and encouragement, but I knew I could not make progress until the spirit was removed.

I have always seen spirits. For some reason, I vibrate with a higher energy frequency, an openness and sensitivity that allows sight into realms that don’t exist for most people. I have been called to remove disruptive spirits from houses and from clients like Nancy in the past. I do it by quieting, closing my eyes, and allowing them to come into vision. I witness their story, all of which plays like a movie inside my head. I am not always successful in this work, but when there is success, the spirit moves on and the experience changes the person’s life for the better. The spirit I saw in Nancy felt large, male and violent. I did not feel that I was strong enough or capable enough to move him out, so I began to research someone who might do it for me. 

I heard about a medical intuitive from a friend, and asked Nancy if she would be interested in going.  After Nancy’s visit, the healer informed me that there was no problem at all. If there were, I would have seen it, she said. Her casual approach and ungrounded confidence led me to believe that she had no skill in that area at all. 

I asked for help from a man who was a healer from the Lakota tradition, but he was full of ego and wanted Nancy to show up for weeks of training before starting the work. That would never happen. I passed on him as well. 

I was walking in downtown Portland with my friend, Cora, when we happened upon Nancy. After she and I exchanged pleasantries, Cora looked troubled. Who was that woman, she asked? She has such a dark energy in her. It feels male and angry, like it’s been with her a long time.  Cora’s words were helpful to me, because it’s easy to doubt myself when I am the only person who sees what I see. I have learned to trust, but there is still the loneliness of a work that is not easy for others to comprehend or share. 

I continued to search for the right person for a full year. I asked a local clairvoyant who is excellent with predictions, but found her uncomfortable with thoughts of possession. I asked a Catholic friend if she knew a priest who was capable, but got no reply. In my frustration, I encouraged myself to do the work, but a wiser part knew that I was out of my depth. This spirit would take a strong masterful personality, not a gentle feminine one.

 My daughter and granddaughter live in an ashram, and mentioned that the Abbot, Swami Chetanananda was returning from a year in Tibet. The term Swami, means teacher and bringer of light in Tibetan Buddhism. I had not met him before, but encouraged Nancy’s father to seek an audience with him and explain the situation. He and Nancy went together and I came later. The Swami is a large bodied man, over six feet tall, who has devoted his life to spiritual practice, and achieved mastery. We talked about spirits and spirituality. He confirmed my vision and agreed to meet with Nancy for three puja’s, or healing rituals, where he would release the spirit. I was extremely grateful, since it is rare for the Swami to attend the healing of an individual.

It is not uncommon in healing for things to get worse before they get better, which is what Nancy reported after the first session. She exploded in anger and was crippled by migraine headaches. During the second puja, the spirit was released and the third brought her back to normal.

Nancy is a different person now. She no longer lives in cloaked avoidance of light, but seeks it. She can function, react normally, is no longer violent, and no longer calls her father for constant assurance.  She is in school, doing well and working two jobs. When the spirit entered, at about age twelve, her own development was arrested. She and I work periodically to enhance her sense of self, and to make sense of many troubled and forgotten years. There is more work for her to do, but that is in the future. For now, she is happy to have joined the world and I am happy for her.